Getting personal...

So here it is, midnight, and I've been in tears all evening. At first I thought they were "bad" tears and now I'm realizing they're good tears. You see, God's been putting his finger on me for quite some time. Lately he's been putting it on me quite hard...to the point that I couldn't ignore it anymore. He was "poking" me whenever I was pushing aside anything that had to do with my emotions, feelings, thoughts etc....I was trying to just "do it all on my own" yet I felt like I was somehow doing what God wanted me to do. When, really, I'd just become bitter and resentful. After another fight with my husband over absolutely nothing, I did A LOT of soul searching.

I take care of people and their very large problems on a daily basis for a living. I also have been working through some stuff with Tim and being supportive of him and also being supportive of my other friends. What I WASN'T doing was seeking support for ME. I was trying to do it all on my own and getting frustrated that I didn't have anyone to talk to. All I needed to do was ask God for help and then I would feel at peace enough to ask other people for help! I didn't want to "bother" Tim with it because we were dealing with other stuff, I didn't want to "bother" Brenda or Mom with it because, well frankly, I knew the minute I'd start talking about it the floodgates would open and I'd start bawling and I was still not sure what about. I hate crying. Especially when I don't know WHY I'm crying. I knew this was coming and I've been avoiding it like the plague. It took the ever so subtle "prodding" of God through my dear friend Kim to make me finally see what was going on. The funny thing is, I don't know if Kim knew she was doing it--but I'm sure God did. I just continually became frustrated that I felt like no one was listening to me. It's because I wasn't asking them to.

I still know I don't have "it" figured out (whatever "it" may be) but I'm hoping that now I'm on the right track and I'm going to start asking people for help for myself too. I sat and tried to poke Tim to wake him up to tell him about it (which is near impossible). I think he heard some of it but probably not all of it. So here I sit at my computer, blogging about this. Why, I'm not so sure. I don't usually put things "out there" like this. But then again, didn't I just say that's exactly the problem I'm having??? LOL I felt like I needed to blog this because maybe it will help someone else that God is "prodding" ever so subtly to just stop and pay attention to what he's "prodding" about for a minute.

Either way--It feels good to get it "out there" and now I can go to sleep. Thank God.